Apples of Gold

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God performs all things for me

‘I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me.’ Psalm 57:2

Just as I thought that things were going to improve, I end up back in hospital again with chest pains! You know if I was scared before, I am even worse these days. There is an enemy within me that loves nothing better than to stir up fear. I can almost feel the ‘unseen’ hand as it turns my stomach upside down and inside out.

Spiritual thinking goes out the window and cries for ‘instant’ help and ‘instant’ healing rise like rockets from my needy soul. I want to be strong in the faith and I want to be a shining witness for my Lord, yet at such times I crumble.

It is one thing to commit my way to God each morning but I did not have chest pains in mind when I did so! I committed my way to God expecting good things. I expected blessings and His favour and I end up getting hooked up to monitors and told to rest!

I have done rest! I have done ‘rest’ in a big way. I am good at ‘rest’ as I hear it from every angle! In fact I am tired of 'rest!' I want to be up and doing. How do you switch your mind off when it is in overdrive? Does it think of ‘best case scenario’ or worse case? No stars for guessing the correct answer.

Why do these things keep happening? Are things ever going to get better? Is ‘disappointment’ going to become my middle name? Am I THAT sinful? Is this punishment for my sins? I could easily rattle on at length feeling hard done by, but is that the Spirit of Christ?

If I am bold enough to commit my life daily to God then I must be ready to accept whatever that particular day holds for me. It may not be what I want and it may not be what I am expecting, yet if I can accept that this is what God wants for me today, then how can I argue? He knows best and there are times when I must accept His judgement even although I do not understand it.

I want to do the best for my children. I love them dearly and they are precious to me, yet these days I am like the big ugly dinosaur to them. Why? Well it is exam time again and I do my best to encourage them to study. I seem to be battering my head off a brick wall at times and often I think that I am talking to myself. I mean, what do I know about exams? After all they used a blackboard and chalk in my day! They even punished people by giving them the 'belt.' "Things are different now, Da!" They may think that I am being deliberately hard on them by telling them to turn their music down by about 40 decibels and who said that it was impossible to study with the telly on?

If they pass their exams and do well then perhaps they will see their Dad’s wisdom. I  think about my Lord in such terms at times like this. He knows best and He performeth all things for me. It may be many months before or if I see the wisdom behind these days, yet I am more and more aware that Love is behind all that He does for me.

I have spoken many times about the stunted spiritual vision that I have and it is all too apparent at such times. I feel like a spiritual dwarf with dreams of becoming a giant, yet desperately scared of change. There is no doubt that these pains bring me to my knees and perhaps I have not been as diligent at the Throne of Grace as I ought to have been.

It is good for me to be on my knees. It is a safe place to be. I can hide my soul under the cover of His wings until these sad calamities be passed.

This morning I rejoiced to see the dawn. OK so it’s a dull, damp day but you know what I mean. Once more He has taken me through a difficult 48 hours. Why? I do not have the answer to that I’m afraid, but I am thankful nonetheless. I always seem to appreciate more after experiencing time in hospital. I would dearly love to be able to appreciate things better without the need of a visit to High Dependency!

So what, if anything am I learning? Well, I think the lesson that I am learning most just now is that when I commit all things into the loving hands of my Saviour, then I must be prepared for whatever comes my way. It may take a while to be able to rejoice in ‘these things’ yet I am slowly becoming aware of a greater confidence in Him. He is worthy of our trust, not only for today but for eternity. Like I have said before. It is better for me to be in the storm with Christ than to stand alone on the shore.